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It sure has been awhile

So as Amazing as it is, I remembered my LJ login and password... groovy huh? I have a myspace acct i use more than this apparently... http://www.myspace.com/stacyml590. Whats been going on with me?? Well.. Got married March 31st to the wonderful person I posted about Feb-May of 2002.. Tim. I love him to Pieces. As well, Im not longer in Florida. I live in Tennessee now.... Dont ask. Work shit all im saying. Im still with CitiBank, Its been 4 years. Crazy huh???
People, See me at myspace or Drop me a line @ Stacyml590@yahoo.com

Its been too long....

It has been a while since I have written in here. To be honest I actually forgot it for a while. Alot has happened since last entry, 2 years ago.
Got cancer which sucked. Had surgery which sucked. Got engaged which is good, and moved which is good. That is to make a long story short ;-)

Other than that, everything is groovy as pie, if it were ever groovy :-)

*sigh*

It has been a while since I wrote in here. Things have been Hell....

My mom got diagnosed with skin cancer the friday before mother's day. I got 2 tickets because the cop was an asshole, gave me a 78 dollar speeding violation and a 78 dollar citation for disregarding a traffic control device. I am being sued by capital one, bunch of fucking cocksuckers. And well... Ryan and I started speaking again.

I am really trying to trust him again, but it is really hard. After what has happened, And well, There's Tim. I dont know anymore. Im so confused its not even funny.

I alone feel them creeping.They whisper and tease me.My only defense is sleepingHow can I stop them.When I cannot see.They live in dark caverns Hidden deep inside of me... Confusing fact and fiction,These moments in the dark,Then fade into the morning.It's hard to fight with no heart.


Tina the Troubled Teen
The Weather in Hell
I'mthe RED LIGHTSABER!



You are Christina
Ricci
!

You acted in cool movies like:

Prozac Nation, Sleepy Hollow, 200 Cigarettes

Pecker, Ice Storm and Opposite of Sex.


Take the "Which Hollywood Princess are you?"
quiz @ planetag.de


Ok well... My brain is basically fried for the night. I dont know what I am doing anymore and contemplations of suicide are more and more prominent with me this day and age but I wont kill myself, unless i accidentally turn the steering wheel of my car a little to far to the right on the Bridge.......

Im slowly getting there,,,,,

Tina the Troubled Teen

I dont want to be there. I dont want to fall in love again. I dont want to be without Tim. But i Dont want to love him and I catch myself getting closer to that part of me and my heart that is telling me to back away quickly and not look back, but I dont want that. I want to be with him. I want all of this great happiness without me loving him, but It is no use, Im finding myself doing that. I hate it. I dont wanna be in love again. I dont wanna go through the hurt I did with Ryan. I cant let it happen....But I miss him. I miss him after only being away from him 30 mins. I long for him right now. His smell, his touch, his way of making me smile.... GRRRR this sucks.....
Maybe i live in a fairy tale world, but I always dreamed of being swept off my feet by some great man and leading me to love. Its happened. Except the love part...Im just for once happy. Happiest that I have been in a year and a half. Its odd to say.
Also i got another piercing. A marilyn Monroe. its nice.



Im tired. Good night

what else can i say?

Its hard to describe how I feel right now. Im scared. Of what, I may say after the 15th when I find out for sure, but Until then, I am scared. Im not ready for this to happen. No, not yet. Maybe never. Swore to myself I would not let this happen and it may have. Im an idiot. A retard definately having a blonde moment.
I just got back from Tim's house. He cooked me dinner after I got off work at 11:10 pm, and i got to his house at 1130 pm. He cooked me BBQ Terriyaki Chicken with Some Velveeta Mac and Cheese and some Croissants.I adore him. We ended the night with a pillow fight and a kiss goodnight, and Now, I am home. I miss it over there. I miss not waking up next to him, curled up beside me, watching him sleep, affraid to make a move as to not wake him up. What is it I feel for him? I dont know honestly. Sometimes, I wonder If I am making a horrible,terrible mistake being with him. Sometimes, I wonder If this is the best thing in the world, if he is the one. Thats the kind of Test they need, Life mate Test. Kinda show the signs of if the 2 of you are meant to be or whatnot. I mean, this is all weird to me. After Jason, Brent, and Ryan, I have lost hope in myself and the rest of the male population I would consider dating. It is very hard for me to trust people, especially men,after all that has happened.

Jason was my first everything. I lost my virginity to him (yes i was young, 15 actually) I gave him everything I thought I had at the age. My innocence gone,virtue,and eventually my sanity. He beat me, controlled me, made me feel like shit and I beleived every word he said. I have an eating disorder thanks to him now. Constantly calling me fat or heavy when i wasnt, at a tender age kinda fucks you up in life. I became anorexic. I was tall for 15, havent grown much since, was 5'7 at the time and weighed 86 lbs. Thats the perfect image for him. At that time anyways.He beat me, broke my ribs,dislocated my hip, broke my nose and stabbed me twice with a butterfly knife. As i lay there, he raped me. Good luck Contestant #1

Brent was my second boyfriend. He was sweet. Good looking. not much older than I. only about a year and a half. met him when i just turned 16. (Yes it was at a LARP) 3 years went by with him. He got possessive, telling me who i could talk to, where I could go, what i can and cannot wear.Etc etc, you get the point. I broke up with him.We did not talk for a few months, and I started seeing Ryan when he and I became friends again, Yes, Brent also played on White-Wolf. Brent did not like this, and we all went out one night with his friend Troy, and he got drunk, attacked me and the bartender. I havent spoken to him since.

Ryan and I met online. What else can you say? Dated online a little over a year, and I find out he is lying and seeing Ren's girlfriend, Chas, who is supposed to be my friend. I caught him in many lies, and still, I did not want to lose him. I had that yearning for him. Sometimes I still do, but then I grow my brain back and remember what he did, and I get over it very Quickly. I still partly blame myself, again, i grow my brain back and tell my self to shut the fuck up.

Now there is Tim.23, lives alone. Is clean. Smokes. He is like me. He has tattoos, piercings. Yay!!!! He has his own place, has a job, even if it is the manager of a Gas station, its still a job. He is also the singer of my friends band. He has a wonderful voice,wnderful smile. great artistic ability and a wonder poet. he is a great cook and has a wonderful sense of humor. Am i getting myself in way to deep? Whats wrong with me?

At any event. I have to go to bed. Im dead tired and I have to work tomorrow. I have been working 4 days in a row, 3 days left. 7 fucking days in a row, my god. Im burnt out. Probably why I am not making much sense right now......

Where do I begin???

Well.. I am back at my house this week. Spent the entire week over at Tim's place. I miss him already, but I have to work tomorrow and my car is giving me problems.. NEVER EVER EVER EVER put cheap gas in your car, no matter how dirt poor you are....
Started out nice and slow with tim and gradually grew into a lot. So far so good. (I would be over there now, but he is sick. I think the gator tail he ate was kinda not good. He was feeling sick.) Anyways. It's just very odd, he asked me to move in with him tonight, but I just looked at him and said "Come again?". I did not even give him a yes or no. I think it is just too soon. Man, I hope I dont get sick from eating the gator tail too. That would just completely suck. Im feeling ok now, except for a cramp here and there, but that could all be mental. Go figure, right?

Anyways. Back to what I was saying.

I just don't think its been long enough for me to have moved in with him. Yea I practically live there now, but There are no strings attached.